BREAKING
NEWS:
Doc
Tacitly Agrees: James Hilston Is Not An Alcoholic, But A Mutant
PITTSBURGH—James
Hilston, whose life insurance premium had recently been raised due
to abnormalities in his bloodwork that typically indicates overdrinking
and alcoholism, seems to have been finally cleared of this suspicion.
After
several rounds of labwork and a grueling pulmonary function test (“I
had to blow so hard into that tube,” says Hilston, “that
one of my eyeballs shot across the room and ricocheted off of a file
cabinet onto the floor. It was embarrassing. There was dust all stuck
to it."), it has been determined that Hilston is a heterozygote
with an alpha-1-antitrypsin
deficiency. This deficiency occurs in approximately 1 in 2,000
people in the United States, 10-20% of whom develop liver disease.
While the disorder is usually caused by homozygous mutation in a particular
gene on chromosome 14, Hilston happens to be heterozygous for that
gene. “We've never seen anything like you,” the doctor told
Hilston.
Now
that it has been officially documented that Hilston is indeed a mutant,
it can now be better understood why and how he is able to set things
ablaze with his mind (and by scowling), shoot lightning bolts from
his fingertips, and cause the weather to change by an act of his will.
When
asked if he plans to join the X-Men, Hilston remarked: "I don't
know. My kids are still young. Plus I'd have to come up a name for
myself and a uniform. I was thinking of ‘Liver Man,’ but
it doesn't sound very intimidating. Not like ‘Wolverine’
and ‘Storm.’ I figure I'll wait for my kids to get older,
and then wait to see if Dr. X ever contacts me. I want me some of
those retractable blades installed.”
Reached
for comment, Dr. Xavier expressed some reluctance about admitting
Hilston into the X-Men. "We already have a fire-starter, a lightning
shooter and a weather changer. Can ‘Liver Man’ fix a leaky
faucet?"
What
history?
“Those
who cannot remember history are condemned to repeat it.” —George
Santayana
“We
have the need of history, not to fall back on, but to see if we
can escape from it.” —Orega Y Gasset
“The
only thing new in the world is the history you don't know.”
—Harry Truman
“To
be ignorant of what happened before you were born is to remain forever
a child.” —Cicero
“The
thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which
is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under
the sun.” —Solomon, Ec 1:9
Jane Fonda
in Hanoi during the Vietnam War poses for photographers looking
through the sights of anti-aircraft guns used to shoot down American
pilots.
*Note: Although
the above altered photograph is not factually correct, it
is nonetheless substantively correct, according CBS reporting
guidelines and unimpeachable sources. (10/23/04)
BREAKING
NEWS:
Anti-Bush
Pittsburghers Resort to Vandalizing Automobiles: Anti-Kerry Blogger
Retaliates
PITTSBURGH—"Keyjobs,"
the scratching or scraping of the paint of parked automobiles with
one's keys, is the latest in anti-Bush vandalism that is being reported
in areas in and around Pittsburgh.
Local
“Anyone-But-Kerry” political orphan and part-time genius
James Hilston welcomed these attacks, saying, “I'm inspired.
It's quite liberating, actually.”
Hilston
is referring to his newly found pasttime, Kerry-Car Bashing™,
which he says was inspired by the keyjobs. “Why limit my Kerry-bashing
to the things I say on my website? There's a lot of cars out there
with Kerry-Edwards decals that could use a 'touch-up,' if you get
my drift.”
So
proud is Hilston of his work that he takes photographs and posts them
on his website. Here are a few examples, accompanied by Hilston's
remarks about each:
Fig.
1
“This is a neighbor's car that had a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker
on the bumper. When I saw it, I decided, instead of merely defacing
or removing just the sticker, I'd remove the entire bumper. I used
a pick-axe.
Fig.
2
“On this car, which I saw parked on the street on my way to work,
I did the same thing. But I got a little carried away. I wailed on
the bumper so violently that the back door latch came loose and I
couldn't close it. I hurried out of there, because I didn't want anyone
to think that I was trying to steal anything out of that car.”
\
Fig.
3
”As soon as I saw this Volvo with not one, not two, but three
Kerry-Edwards bumper stickers on its front bumper, and a ‘Bring
Our Troops Home’ magnetic decal on the fender, I just started
blasting away. This time I used a loose bumper I had picked up somewhere.
I just kept beating on this Volvo until it was unrecognizable. The
funny thing is, I probably would have done it even if there hadn't
been any stickers on it. Just because it's a Volvo.”
Fig.
4
“I have to admit, when I saw this ‘hybrid car’ plastered
with Kerry-Edwards stickers, Green Peace stickers, ‘I Brake For
Homeless People’ stickers, and ’Honk If You Love Government
Handouts’ stickers, I viewed it as an invitation. I used nothing
but my bare hands on this one. I also used a lot of kicking. I almost
didn't get away before the police arrived.”
When
asked if he was concerned about the morality of destroying other people's
property, Hilston replied, ”I'm expressing my First Amendment
right to freedom of speech. It is how I've chosen to express my political
views.”
*Note:
Although the above report is not factually correct, it is nonetheless
substantively correct, according to CBS news reporting guidelines
and unimpeachable sources.
BREAKING
NEWS:
Jameshilston.com
Launches Non-partisan Ribbon Campaign
©2004 James Hilston
PITTSBURGH—"Most
of the ribbons I see have some kind of partisan message; it's sometimes
subtle or veiled." James Hilston has grown tired of trying to decipher
the hidden meanings of all the various magnetic and decal ribbons
that adorn vehicles nationwide. He has come up with his own plan and
design that avoids the trappings of modern political mud-slinging.
The only words on the ribbon are: "Support Trendy Ribbons."
"If
I look hard enough, I find that I have something against all
those ribbons out there," complained area man James Hilston, part-time
genius and self-important loudmouth hack. "But where is the ribbon
for people who just want to have their own ribbons, but do not want
to be erroneously associated with some partisan group they don't agree
with?"
How
do you get your own "Support Trendy Ribbons" ribbon? "It's easy!"
says Hilston, who is giving away, for free, magnetic or adhesive ribbons
to everyone who proves that they have no biases or partisan views
whatsoever. "Just prove to me that you are a shiftless good-for-nothing
schlub with no opinions whatsoever who is completely and utterly indifferent
to anything and everything of any relevance to this life or to this
world or to the world to come and the ribbon is yours!" says Hilston.
"Donations are welcome, of course, and the funds will be going toward
my 'Non-partisan Black Voter Disenfranchisement' campaign and preemptive
operations on this coming Election Day.
*Note:
Although the above report is not factually correct, it is nonetheless
substantively correct, according to CBS news reporting guidelines
and unimpeachable sources.
BREAKING
NEWS:
Pittsburgh
Political Orphan Plans to Disenfranchise Black Voters
PITTSBURGH—Using
census data to locate all the African-Americans in his neighborhood,
Pittsburgh “political orphan” James Hilston is finalizing
his plans to disenfranchise black voters.
"I've
got several backup plans in place just in case the initial barriers
fail," said Hilston. "The first line of defense is to flatten
the tires and to pour sugar into the gas tanks of their cars. For
those whose cars are inaccessible, caltrops will be scattered on their
driveway."
As
a hate-mongering evil anti-Kerry radical who drinks the blood of Democrat
babies, Hilston is giving full disclosure to his plans. "I like
a challenge," remarked Hilston. "I want them to see it coming."
When
asked about his backup plans, Hilston gave a smirk not unlike the
kind of facial expression for which President Bush is often ridiculed.
"For those who take buses, I'm going to break their kneecaps
with pipe wrenches before they even make it to the busstop. Finally,
any African-Americans who actually show up at the polls will be physically
accosted in the parking lot. I'll be beating them about the head and
neck with a whiffle bat."
Reached
for comment, Governor-appointed "Election Protection" director
Alan Skoche decried Hilston's plans. "Typical Republican. I knew
it. They're all going to do whatever they can to disenfranchise the
black voters." Skoche offered reassurance: "Our Election
Protection teams will be on the lookout for these scum."
Reached
for counter-comment, Hilston rejoined, "I'm not a Republican.
But I'm pretty sure Skoche has kneecaps."
Note:
Although the above report is not factually true, it is nonetheless
substantively true, according to CBS news reporting guidelines
and unimpeachable sources.
BREAKING
NEWS:
Bush/Cheney
campaign signs disappearing
from Pittsburgh neighborhood, Kerry-basher retaliates
“At least I don't remove Kerry/Edwards signs,”
boasts James Hilston, Anyone-But-Kerry loudmouth and parttime genius.
“I just alter them slightly.”
“We don't
get it,” said Pittsburgh-area Kerry-Edwards campaign committeee
chair Melissa Heinz-Johnson in response to Hilston's retaliatory
graffiti. “What's with the upside-down flag? Why is there an
‘A’ in place of the ‘O’?”
*Note: Although
the above altered Kerry-Edwards campaign sign is not factually
correct, it is nonetheless substantively correct, according
to unimpeachable sources. (10/14/04)
BREAKING
NEWS:
Bawney
Fwank Appwauds Kewwy's ‘Outing’ of Mawy Cheney in Wast Night’s
Pwesidentiaw Debate
WASHINGTON,
D.C. — “It wasn't enough to simpwy state that homosexuawity
is something someone is bown with,” wemawked open homosexuaw
Congwessman Bawney Fwank, D-Mass. “Kewwy needed to put a face
on his statement. He needed to identify the hypocwisy of Bush-Cheney
powitics, and what bettew way than to make diwect wefewence to Cheney's
own daughtew, Mawy.”
*Note:
Although the above quote from Barney Frank and the attending ridicule
of his speech impediment is not factually correct, it is nonetheless
substantively correct, according to CBS news reporting guidelines
and unimpeachable sources.
BREAKING
NEWS:
New
Study Exposes John Kerry’s True Thoughts During the Second Presidential
Debate.
Read
an excerpt here.
BREAKING
NEWS:
Swing voters express unease about
Edwards’ French manicures.
“We
warned him,” say campaign advisors.
Democrat Vice
Presidential candidate John Edwards at last Tuesday's vice presidential
debate discusses his and John Kerry's plan to hunt down and kill
terrorists. Edwards is known for his dainty gestures and pretty-girl
hands. "He has such a flair," says campaign advisor Joe
Lockhart.
*Note: Although
the above CBS news photo is not factually correct, it is
nonetheless substantively correct, according to unimpeachable
sources. (10/11/04)
BREAKING
NEWS:
John
Kerry On Stem Cell Warpath:
‘Elizabeth Long Murdered My Friend, Chris Reeve!’
James Hilston 10:25 a.m.
TOWNBURG, MASS—Presidential
candidate John Kerry vilified Elizabeth Long at a campaign benefit
breakfast this morning in Townburg, Mass.
"Well, I
hope Elizabeth Long is happy now."
Ms. Long, a homemaker
from Smallville, Missouri, was one of the attendees at Friday's town
hall debate at Washington University. Her question to John Kerry challenged
the use of embryos in stem cell research.
"Chris Reeve
was my friend. And Elizabeth Long and her pro-life ilk are the Kryponite
to the super heroes of the world," said Kerry, making reference
to Christopher Reeve's famous role as Superman, an alien who comes
to earth, who can be killed only by a substance called Kryptonite.
"Chris Reeve
was my friend. Elizabeth Long is a real-life Lex Luthor. Chris Reeve
was my friend. And these religious zealots are cold-hearted, self-centered,
backward, redneck, conservative, trailer trash, Superman-murderers."
Senator Kerry,
clearly impressing the audience with the fact that Chris Reeve was
his friend and with his knowledge of the Superman genre of comic books
and films, continued: "If 'E-Lex-abeth Luthor' had discovered
the infant Kal-el in a crashed spaceship out in a cornfield, she would
not have rescued and nurtured that little alien baby from the planet
Krypton. No, she would have drunk his blood and thrown his lifeless
carcass to the dogs."
When reached
for comment, Mrs. Long said, "Um, isn't Superman a fictional
character?"
UPDATE
Later, at a benefit
brunch, Kerry added, "Who will be the next victim of Elizabeth
Long's narrow-minded uncompassionate pro-life radicalism? [Parkinson's
afflicted] Michael J. Fox? Michael J. Fox is a friend of mine. Will
the Keaton family have to suffer when Elizabeth Long drinks his blood
and throws his lifeless carcass to the dogs?"
It is not yet
known what Kerry meant by "Keaton family."
Note: Although
the above report is not factually correct, it is nonetheless
substantively correct, according to unimpeachable sources.
(10/11/04)
Liver
Attack!
James Hilston 9:30 a.m.
They took (at
least) six vials of blood from me. All this to prove that I'm not
an alcoholic and to get a lower premium on my life insurance. But
that will mean something else is wrong with my liver.
I had a cramp
in my shoulder last night. "Liver Attack!" I screamed.
Just so I'll
know what to expect, I plan to Google "Liver Attack". In
the meantime, I announce it whenever I feel even the slightest pain,
just in case I fall over in an unconscious heap and witnesses need
to tell paramedics what happened.
Paramedic:
"What happened to this hapless schlub?"
Witness:
"He had a liver attack."
Paramedic:
Witness:
Paramedic:
"No, seriously, what happened."
Witness:
"He just grabbed his head in both hands and screamed, 'LIVER
ATTACK!' and just collapsed on the sidewalk."
Paramedic,
speaking into walkie-talkie: "Roger ... it's the same guy
... Yeah. ... Fourth time this week.
Anytime
Phrase™ #107
James Hilston 1:16 a.m.
I am Elmer J.
Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.
Who
do you think you're talking to?
James Hilston 1:14 a.m.
Dare-ni mukatte
mono itten-dayo?
It's
your turn to be the boss.
James Hilston 11:19 a.m.
Want to feel
like someone who is in control? Do you feel the need to be boss every
once in a while? Try giving commands to the subservient chicken.
Here's the link:
Subservient Chicken
(Try to ignore
the blatant commercial plug on the page.)
Need a hint?
Try "Run!" or "Peck!" or "Lay egg!"
or "Fly!"
