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« Oct 2004 | Hilstonblog Main | Dec 2004 » Hilstonblog Archive • November 2004 Daily entries are listed below in reverse-date order.
Alan or Allen: I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore My dad gave me my birth certificate. He must've found it whilst going through some old boxes and papers and stuff. Whatever the case, I suppose he figured I'd get more use out of it than he would.'
As I looked it over, I was suddenly struck by a bit of information on the birth certificate that I did not anticipate. It was my middle name. For as long as I can remember, my middle name has been Alan. A-L-A-N. James Alan Hilston. But suddenly, as I stood there, reading this piece of paper, I didn't know who I was. There, before my very eyes, on an official light blue, notarized, manually type-written document, was a name — my name — spelled James Allen Hilston. A-L-L-E-N. Allen. What the? Who the?
But I can't. I'll never be the same. All this time, I thought I was James Alan Hilston. That was my name. That was who I was. That was who I was comfortable being. That is who I wanted to continue being. Now I look in the mirror, and I don't know who I'm looking at anymore.
[Developing ...]
Anytime
Phrase™ #108 “Looove,
baby, that’s where it’s at!”
BREAKING NEWS: Celebrated Pre-Curmudgeon Marks 40th Birthday: Excited Friends and Family Avoid Overused Jingles
PITTSBURGH—Area man James Hilston turned 40 years old today. “I'm a year away from the age my mother was when she died. That’s freaking me out a little bit.” When asked how he planned to celebrate, Hilston replied, “I don‘t know; Is it today?” After he was assured that it was indeed today, Hilston rejoined, “I guess I’ll probably mark the day by putting something profound and threatening on my website.” Reached for comment, Governor Rendell remarked, "James who? Oh that annoying sunuva ...” Note: Although the above report is not factually correct, it is nonetheless substantively correct, according to CBS news reporting guidelines and unimpeachable sources.
BREAKING NEWS: Expatriated Jesusland-er Still On Vacation, Will Return On Monday, Nov. 22 PITTSBURGH—Self-styled blogger, part-time genius, and proud patriot of Jesusland announced on his website today that he is still on vacation (hence the lack of updates since Nov. 8). He apologizes to those who have faithfully returned to the site (all three of you) only to find the same old tripe from the day before. “New tripe is coming,” promised the blood-drinking HemoGoblin™. Speaking of his new status as an expatriated JesusLand-er and legal immigrant resident of the United States of Canada [i.e., Pennsylvania], Hilston remarked, “I’m somewhat of a stranger in a strange land. While my heart is in Jesusland, here I am amid the enlightened, the intelligensia, the academics of progressive thought and sophisticated culture here in the U.S. of Canada.” When asked about his goals concerning his new state, Hilston said, “I’ve accomplished it by being a Jesusland-er who has put a citizen of the U.S. of Canada out of a job.” Note: Although the above report is not factually correct, it is nonetheless substantively correct, according to CBS news reporting guidelines and unimpeachable sources.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Political Pariah Donates ‘Loser Kits®’ to Kerry Voters
PITTSBURGH—Self-important blogger and part-time genius James Hilston has announced plans to donate Loser Kits® (patent pending) to qualifying disillusioned, dispirited, dumbfounded and disgusted Kerry voters. The kits comprise a map to Canada and a can of Fix-A-Flat™. “We don't want them to have any excuses for not following through on their threats,” said Hilston. “If they're so sick of America and what it stands for that they want to move to Canada, we want to help to make sure they actually go through with it.” On the suggestion of his full-time genius wife, Hilston has made the Loser Kits® available through his website, www.jameshilston.com. Note: Although the above report is not factually correct, it is nonetheless substantively correct, according to CBS news reporting guidelines and unimpeachable sources.
BREAKING NEWS: ‘I've
Gotten Behind: Blog Updates To Come’ PITTSBURGH—Self-important blogger and part-time genius James Hilston has announced that he plans to update his blog soon. “I've just been way too busy lately,” said Hilston. “what with all the election stuff going on, and not to mention the 16 vials of blood that were taken from me.”
BREAKING NEWS: Crazed
‘Political Orphan’ Assaults Election Officials at Local Polling
Site
PITTSBURGH—A local elementary school gymnasium was the scene of horrific violence earlier today when self-titled “Political Orphan” James Hilston insisted that he to be allowed to vote without having to provide his name to polling officials. Dozens are reported injured from Hilston’s rampage that has been described as “a crazed Ninja with a whiffle bat.” Witnesses say Hilston seemed to be waiting patiently in line with the rest of the voters, but when his turn came to give his name, he refused. “What do you mean, ‘you need my name’?” demanded Hilston. “I’m an American, and in a democracy, I’m supposed to be allowed to cast my vote without harrassment by you left-wing pinko-commie Islamo-fascist sympathizers!” Reached for comment, election official Debbie Gibson (yes, the singer) said, “We tried to explain to him why we needed his name. But he wasn’t listening. He started muttering under his voice about the death of democracy and the ‘Osama Bin Laden caucus.’ Then he stopped. Stood bolt upright and calmly pulled out this plastic baseball bat.” Terrified bystanders stood by (hence the term “bystander”) as Hilston unleashed blow after whistling blow of whiffle-bat destruction upon the polling officials in what was described as “a whirling blur of aggression”. “Blood was everywhere,” said school principal Marilee Weigand. “It looked like he was targeting the bridges of their noses, with amazing precision. Eyeglasses were flying across the gymnasium, and with every whack of that plastic bat, another broken nose would start gushing blood.” Weigand said she was calling 911 when Hilston suddenly stopped in some sort of Ninja ready-position. As his last victim fell to the floor, clutching her face and screaming in horror and pain, Hilston then relaxed his grip on the bloody whiffle bat, stood upright and wiped the blood down the length of the bat, making a puddle on the gymansium floor. “Then he looked right at me,” said Weigand. "Like he knew I was calling 911. But he didn't stop me. He just nodded in a polite sort of way, walked over to one of the voting stations and cast his ballot. As he closed the curtain, about half the people in line ran out of there screaming. They must've been Kerry supporters. The ones who stayed appeared to be Bush supporters.” Gibson described Hilston’ departure. “He didn't hurry; he just calmly walked out of the gym to his car. All the would-be Kerry voters screamed and ran when they saw him come out the building after them. Then he got in his car and just drove away." Hilston’s car is described as older white Chevrolet Cavalier sedan with a dent on the left fender. There is also a yellow ribbon decal or magnet that reads, “Support Trendy Ribbons.” Hilston is currently holed up in his suburban Pittsburgh home, where he is surrounded by police. Hilston is wanted on assault charges by local police. It has not yet been determined what charges will be brought in regard to his obstruction of the voting process. Governor Rendell was not surprised. “We knew this sort of thing was brewing amongst the ranks of the anti-Kerry nutjobs. This is exactly what we expected.” Note: Although the above report is not factually correct, it is nonetheless substantively correct, according to CBS news reporting guidelines and unimpeachable sources.
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