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« June 2005 | Hilstonblog Main | August 2005 » Hilstonblog
Archive • July 2005 July 29, 2005 Movie
Titles From The Cutting Room Floor Dust Move Logs Lust Dove Mogs Must Dove Logs Dust Love Mogs Lust Move Dogs July 27, 2005 Happy
Birthday,
It occurred to me this morning that today's date, July 27, had no significance to me. I didn't know anyone who was born on this date. Nor did I recall any great events in history that happened on this date. I then debated: Learn a birthday or learn a historical event for this, the 27th day of July? I opted for the former. Titan Leeds Kemble, Sr., a fourth-generation Kemble, was born July 27, 1741 in Burlington County, New Jersey. I wondered if he liked cake. I decided, because of his first name, that he probably didn't. So in honor of Titan Leeds Kemble, Sr., I offer the following haiku. Cake-pushing
Fascists Life's
embarkation Dic•tio•nary,
too I have lots of dictionaries. Don’t ask. I have lots of favorite words. Among them is the word “favorite.” But there is one word, which is not among my favorites, that I most enjoy looking up in the dictionary. It's the word “dictionary.” I want someday to open a dictionary, look up the word “dictionary,” and find the following:
The day that happens, and I have faith that it will, I will probably scream-laugh like a monkey, then strip down to my underwear and dance the Electric Slide whilst scream-singing at the top of my lungs"Blister In The Sun." Something I like to do, and you should, too, is actually pausing right before you say the word "too," as in this very sentence. Go ahead and say it to yourself:
Sounds stupid, doesn't it? The comma is supposed to be used to puncuate a separation in a sentence. In such cases, a separation is needed either to organize visually the words of the sentence, or to indicate a pause in the actual reading of the sentence. Clearly, there is no need to separate visually the "too" from the rest of the sentence. And no one pauses before saying "too." In fact, we Americans, at least the ones I've spoken with, tend to rush together the word "too" with whatever precedes it:
That's why I am hereby lobbying to have that superfluous amd meaningless comma removed from the grammatical rules of the adverbial usage of "too." I will go further to say that it should be officially named a suffix, and be used as suchtoo. Warning: Blatant segue Getting back to what I really wanted to say: Something I like to do, and you shootoo, is noticing the word-pairings that occur at the top folios of each page of the dictionary. I often wonder if the editors don't go out of their way to come up with good ones. For example (you knew this was coming):
If you find any other good ones, or betters ones even, please send them to me, including the title and publish date of the dictionary in which you found them, and I'll post them heretoo. July
20 , 2005
Sorry
About That This is probably the longest I've ever gone without a blog entry. It's inexcusable. My deepest gratitude and profound apologies to those of you who have faithfully continued to visit the site despite its inactivity. Who's to blame for the conspicuous lack of updates? The French. I know what you're probably thinking. "Now that you're back, what sagacious sip of insight from thy goblet of truth wouldst thou impart unto us?" In response, I would first look up the word "sagacious." Aaaaaand brace yourself. A group of crows is called a murder.* If you were John Houseman playing Professor Kingsfield in the "The Paper Chase," you would pronounce it thus: Muuuh-duh. *I learnt this from my son, who reads alot. The trick is to pretend I already know the stuff he is telling me. The key to pulling this off is turning his questions into statements.
What
The ... ? This was in this week’s PennySaver:
Seriously, what is this guy thinking? Can you imagine the kinds of phone calls he might be getting? Potential buyer: Hi, is this the amputee? Amputee: Excuse me? Potential buyer: Is the Malibu still for sale? Amputee: Yes, it is. It's a wonderful car. You really need to see it. Potential buyer: It says here 'Recent amputee must sell.' Amputee: Yes, that's right. Potential buyer: Well? Amputee: Well 'what'? Potential buyer: Well, should I assume it's a standard transmission then? Amputee: Why would you assume that? Potential buyer: Let's consider the logic. You're an amputee. You obviously mention that in your ad because it is germane to the reason why you're selling this car. Amputee: Yes, I ... Potential buyer: So, as I figure it, if you've had a leg amputated, that would make it difficult to work a clutch. And if the car were an automatic, it wouldn't have a clutch. You could use your remaining foot to work the brake and the accelerator alternatively. Amputee: Yes, but ... Potential buyer: Whereas, if you've had an arm amputated, that would make it difficult to work a stick-shift whilst trying to steer. And if the car were an automatic, it wouldn't have a stick-shift, at least not one that you needed to shift whilst trying to steer. Amputee: Right, but ... Potential buyer: So, how many miles are on the clutch? Amputee: It's not a standard, sir. Potential buyer: It's not? Amputee: No, it's an automatic. Potential buyer: Then why are you selling it? Amputee: I had both arms amputated. Potential buyer: Oh. I'm. Sorry. Amputee: No problem. Would you like to see the car for yourself? Potential buyer: But ... how did you answer the phone? ©2005 James Hilston |
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