Anytime
Phrase™ #112
In
order to appreciate its full effect, the following Anytime Phrase™
should be done as a four-part sequence.
Phase
One: Casually blurt the following Anytime
Phrase™:
I'm
Batman.
Phase
Two: Pause for a moment and allow an expression of utter shock
and/or panic to come over your face.
Phase
Three: Whisper to yourself, but loud enough for others to hear:
Did
I just say that out loud?
Phase
Four: Allow your expression of shock/panic change to that of
disgust, self-loathing and bitter anger. Start smacking yourself
on the forehead with your open palm. As you do so, speaking in rhythm
with the smacking of your forehead, say (or "hiss") the
following with tightened lips and clenched teeth:
Stupid!
Stupid! Stupid! ...
Make
sure the cadence of the forehead smacking synchronized with the
first syllable of the word; like this:
Stu(smack)pid!
Stu(smack)pid!
Stu(smack)pid! ...
Not
Original? Me?
The Devil You Say!
Someone
wrote to inform me that something in my blog was already said by
some guy named George Carlin. He didn't say what it was; I'm still
awaiting a reply. But once I find out, I'll have to give credit
where it's due. But then again, you know what they say about great
minds and part-time geniuses.
Bike
update: A co-worker's brother-in-law, a truly kind and generous
bloke, read the entry below in which I called for the skewered heads
of the thieves who stole my bike. He offered me his road bike that
he hasn't used in years (he now rides a mountain bike, which happens
to be the kind of bike that was stolen from me -- hmm). It is a
quality bike in terrific shape and fast as lightning. It's almost
too fast. It kind of scares me how fast this bike will go, especially
downhill. But I love it. Thanks Pat!
‘He
was a total nutjob’
For
once -- just once -- I would love to see the killer's neighbor
tell the news reporter: "He was a total nutjob."
Usually,
whenever the local news broadcasts a reporter's interview with the
people who lived next-door to the killer, the neighbor will say,
"I'm in total shock. I can't believe it. He seemed like such
a nice guy. He was very quiet. He kept to himself and never bothered
anyone. He would wave or say hello whenever he'd come out to get
his mail."
It
never seems to be this, or anything remotely close: "I'm not
surprised at all. He was a total nutjob. He was always whoopin'
and hollerin' and raising a ruckus. Everyone knew he was no good.
A ticking time-bomb. That's what he was. It was just a matter of
time. I even said to my wife Helen, 'Helen, I won't be surprised
if that nutjob ends up in the news for killing somebody. And then
we'll be on the news talkin' about what a total nutjob he was.'
And here I am, not surprised, talkin' to you news folks about what
a total nutjob he was."
A
Pedestrian Again
My
bike got stolen from right out in front of my building. The thieving
degenerate(s) must've cut the lock with bolt cutters. Can you believe
it? Sure, it was a cheap bike, but he/she/they also got my speedometer
hardware, my sweet hybrid rear tire, my quick-release seat mechanism,
my new back wheel and my new inner tube.
Next
time, I won't rely on a bike lock only. I'll be using landmines
and razor wire.
Lives
saved today: 61
Here's
a poem for anyone who gives a rip:
To those
who give a rip.
This poem have I written.
I would not give you lip
For my lip have I bitten.
And I am reminded
of a freshly baked pastry.
The
end.
Lives
Saved Today: 41
There
is a street sign I see every so often in my travels. It looks something
like this:
I
often wonder what effect this sign really has on people. Do they
see the sign and say, "Ya know, I really should slow down because,
traveling at this speed, I could kill somebody"?
I
wonder if the slow drivers see that sign and feel all warm and fuzzy
inside. "Imagine how many people would be dead if I weren't
such a conscientious driver."
What
fascinates me about this sign is the fact that there are plenty
of other things I do while driving that saves lives but gets little
or no attention. For example, I drive with my eyes open. Certainly
I am saving lives by doing this. There should be a sign:
I also save
lives by not veering headlong into oncoming traffic. Surely, there
should be a sign to discourage such recklessness:
Whenever
I'm driving in the city, I save dozens of lives by not driving on
the sidewalks where people are walking.
I've
begun keeping a runny tally of lives saved. It makes me feel good
that I'm doing my part in keeping people alive.
Extreme
Origami: The Power Boulder of Death*
My
co-workers have expressed concern about my practice of Extreme Origami.
If you read on, you will not only discover why it concerns them,
but you will have encountered a potentially powerful technique for
channeling and releasing pent-up energy.
Besides
having a fine example of origami when you're finished, you will
have had a unique and unprecedented cathartic experience like no
other.
Step
one: Make sure you're in a room or office with several other
people who are quietly minding their own business.
Step
two: Take a crisp new sheet of copier paper. Hold it in front
of you in both hands, as if you were a news anchor reading a late-breaking
report.
Step
three: Just stare at it for a moment and imagine yourself crumpling
up the paper as fast and as vigorously as you possibly can. Think
about it a few times. Each time, picture your hands suddenly and
frantically scrambling with lightning speed and crunching that paper
into a tight ball in a blink of time. Sense the energy it would
require to do this. Consider that spastic release that would be
required to accomplish this.
Step
four: Here's the most important thing: Get yourself worked up
over it. I mean, really feel the anxiety of wanting to crumple that
paper so quickly, and knowing that all your energy will need to
be spent in a split second. Feel your muscles tightening like a
coiled spring, tighter and tighter, begging to be sprung free and
to release all that tension. Deliberately feel the energy of your
muscles and contemplate what it is going to actually take, right
this moment, to crumple this paper as fast as humanly possible.
You should be so tense and wanting to do it that the paper begins
to twitch a bit in your fingers.
Step
five: When you can't stand it any longer, and only then, without
even pausing to breathe, just do it. Allow all that tension to explode
upon that hapless sheet of paper while all of its pristine, flat,
geometric beauty is obliterated by the sheer intensity of the violence
inflicted upon it by your hands and fingers with the fury of a chained
animal trying to tear itself free.
Here's
the next to last step: Prominently display your new Origami
Power Boulder of Death somewhere where others may admire it.
The
last step: Nonchalance. Act as if nothing happened. This is
pretty important. Why? Because I haven't yet mentioned the BONUS:
It
scares the beejeepers out of everyone around you.
You
will not believe, until you've tried it, just how loud and startling
it is when you do this. The faster you do it, the louder it is.
Trust me. Where the OPBD technique is concerned, speed is directly
proportional to decibel level. You can quote me. Once you've made
your first Origami Power Boulder of Death, please write me and describe
the reactions of your co-workers, colleagues, family, whoever your
victim(s) may have been.
*Patent
pending
What
is an Anytime Phrase™?
An
Anytime Phrase™ is a sequence of words that can be inserted
anywhere, anytime, into any conversation. To appreciate the power
of Anytime Phrases™, you just have to try it. It can even be
done alone, in complete solitude. Patent pending.
