GRADUATION HAIKU
By James Hilston,
singular role model for
Okinawan-Fins everywhere

(Ahem)

Months, years of study.
Sweet success! Commemorate:
Strange tassle; flat hat.

(The end)

CREDIT CARD BREAKUP

I am especially satisfied to say that I am credit-card-debt free. That's right. In one day, I closed the accounts of four credit cards. But it wasn't easy. Besides having to navigate through those insanely long and detailed automated answering service menus for every credit card company I called, I also had to listen to the pathetic whining and abject begging from the actual humans that I talked to. It is amazing how similarly I was treated by each of the credit card account representatives. It was as if they all worked from the same script. Not only that, but apparently the standard procedure is for these reps to pathetically whine and abjectly beg to the point of making absolute fools of themselves. And then, once they realize they are getting nowhere in convincing you to keep the account open, they turn on you and become quite rude and abrupt.

"Hi, I would like to close my credit card account."

This was followed by the standard proof-of-identity protocol. After my identity was confirmed, I was transferred to a special department that handles requests to close accounts. The special department person (i.e. professional whiner-beggar) soon picked up the line and said, "Hello, Mr. Hilston. Is there any particular reason why you want to close the account?"

"Not really. You're just next in line. The card is paid off and I would like to close the account. I'll also need a letter that confirms the account has been closed."

"Mr. Hilston, you've been with us since 1999. You've established quite a history and as a loyal customer in good standing, you also have several benefits attached to this account. Such as car rental discounts, cash-back rewards."

"Yes, I'm aware of that, but I just want to close the account. And I will need a letter that conf ...."

"If you're worried about the interest, Mr. Hilston, we can probably get a better rate for you."

"No, thank you. Really. I just want to close the ..."

"But Mr. Hilston, I'm sure you would want to keep a credit card handy in case of emergency. What can we do to persuade you to make us your card of choice?"

"I have a debit card through my bank that functions just like a credit card, except it withdraws from my checking account. That way I don't go into debt when I ..."

"What about online transactions, Mr. Hilston? Do you ever buy anything online?"

"Yes, but my debit card works like a credit card for those transactions, as well. Will I be able to get that letter of conf ..."

"But you have no protection that way, Mr. Hilston. With our card you don't have to pay for illegal transactions if your identity is stolen."

"But I read somewhere that 85% of I.D. theft is done by someone you know, such as a dead-beat relative ..."

"Well, a friend of mine just had her I.D. stolen from a total ..."

"Look, I appreciate all this effort your making, but I really would like to just ..."

"But you have a history with us, Mr. Hilston, and you can get cash-back rewards when you ..."

"I know, but I still want to close ..."

"Did you know, Mr. Hilston, if you pay off the balance every month, you don't pay any interest?"

"Yes, I'm aware of that, but it's not really ..."

"You've been with us for quite a long time, Mr. Hilston, and there are all kinds of benefits that you have accumulated for having been with us all these years. Car rental discounts, cash-back rewards."

"Yes, I appreciate that. But really, any benefit you could offer me does not compare to benefit of not having this account open. So I ..."

"Fine!"

"I ..."

"Fine! The account is closed!"

"OK, great can I get a lett ..."

"Aletterofconfirmationwillbemailedtoyouin7-10businessdays." [This was said as a single word].

"Um, ok. Thanks for your ..."

"Goodbye!"

Admittedly, I was stunned by how abruptly and belligerently that ended. I did not see that coming. At all. And then suddenly I feeling came over me that I hadn't felt in a long, long time. And like a post-hypnotic suggestion, the words that accompanied that feeling just started flowing out of me. Almost uncontrollably. And although I was talking to dead air, I was inexplicably and irresistibly compelled to keep talking. And found myself saying:

"Ya know, this isn't easy for me either. I know we've been together for a long time. You're absolutely right about that. We do have quite a history together. And yes, what we had was special. We had some great times together. We seemed perfect for each other. I remember how much we enjoyed shopping together. There was that first bed we bought; queen-sized, with the split box-spring that cost an extra hundred dollars. And I couldn't really afford it, but you were there. You helped me cover the difference. And how about that refrigerator with the extra large compartments in the door. Large enough to hold a gallon of milk! But it wasn't just the shopping. There was also that wonderful vacation in Florida. So yes, I remember well those many sweet and precious memories. But something has changed. It's just not like it was before. No, no, no, it's not you. I promise. It's me. I'VE changed. I'm sorry. It's over. Goodbye."

The Urbanity of Public Urination

Occasionally I see something that causes me to pause and reflect on the wonder of what makes us human. And in those moments I am struck by the differences between humans and non-humans.

Take, for example, this gentleman I observed downtown today. Let's call him Uri. Uri was walking, bipedally, with a woman friend through the Gateway Center, a sort of plaza between a set of skyscrapers that fill a significant portion of Pittsburgh's skyline. The plaza area comprises concrete walkways, some grassy shapes, park benches and manicured bushes. Here people can smoke, take a stroll, smoke, eat their lunch, smoke, look at pigeons, smoke, etc.

Uri and his friend — let's call her Mandy, after the Barry Manilow song — were strolling casually, seemingly in no particular hurry to get anywhere, and having a conversation. I happened to glance at them as Uri separated from Mandy and walked into the waist-high bushes. Mandy paused at the edge of the bushes to wait for Uri, continuing their conversation.

There in the bushes, Uri proceeded to unzip his pants, using his uniquely human opposable thumb, and to subsequently urinate into the bushes in which he was standing. He continued to talk to Mandy, never breaking eye contact with her. She nodded and acknowledged what he was saying, looking right at him, the sound of Uri's whiz splashing into the bushes and on the ground at his feet.

Note that I was being surreptitious in my observation of this, so as not to appear creepy. After all, relieving oneself of the pressure of urine in one's bladder, no matter how publicly it is executed, is still a private affair.

As Uri finished his little public piss-fest, I again averted my eyes. I then passed Uri and Mandy completely, taking one last cursory glance to see Uri zip up and reverse his way out of the bushes he had just marked as his own.

I know what you must be thinking. Why am I bothering to describe something so mundane? I mean, surely I could have chosen something far more significant and noteworthy to talk about. But think about it. Ponder the wonder of what I've just described. There is so much to observe about this otherwise incidental event that not only separates human from animal, but demonstrates the sublime beauty of what it means to be human.

For instance, Uri could have just started to wet himself while walking, soaking his pants with pee. But he didn't. He clearly had the sensibility and foresight to know that urine-soaked pants become all gross and smelly as the day progresses, and that he could very likely offend the olfactory faculties of those around him. Rather, he went to the trouble of unzipping his pants and urinating in a manner that mitigated the possibility of grossness and smelliness. Think for a second: Do animals take such care to avoid the smell of urine on themselves? Certainly not. They seem rather to like it!

Furthermore, consider that Uri went out of his way to find a place out of the way of pedestrian traffic at which to void his bladder, obviously concerned that others would not have to trod through his steaming puddle of piss. Ask yourself: Do animals ever concern themselves with such details? Surely they do not. In fact, they seem to go out of their way to step in each other's urine!

Note also that Uri obviously had to plan his actions while not missing a beat in the conversation with Mandy. That takes some serious multi-tasking skills. Consider for a moment: Have you ever seen an animal continue a conversation while simultaneously scoping out possible piss targets, let alone conversing while fully engaged in the act of urinating? Of course, the answer is no. The animal world, what with their tiny unevolved craniums, are clearly not capable of such high-level brain function.

Say what you will about the remarkable social intricacy of honeybee colonies; say what you will about the arcane complexity of group behavior among chimpanzees; say what you will about the mysteriously sophisticated level of communication among dolphins. They all still piss everywhere and anywhere. Some of them even throw their poop, and without opposable thumbs. Nothing in the animal realm comes even close to demonstrating the level of urbane refinement we see so plainly in the societal sensibilities of human beings. Truly, the humans set the bar as the quintessential examples of savoir faire in civilized society. And they mostly don't throw their poop. Mostly.