Don't You Know

As I was leaving the library yesterday (yes, I read!), there was a guy smoking a cigarette on the bench near the entrance. Walking toward me and the library entrance was a young woman. She didn't look at me, but instead looked straight at the guy who was smoking. They apparently knew each other. She said hello. He said hello back. And then, just as she began entering the library door, she looked back at him and said: "Don't you know smoking is bad for you?"

I couldn't resist. As I made my way down the stairs toward the parking lot, I had to look back to see what ensued.

"Wait!" he said. "Are you serious?"

"Chyeah!?" she replied and paused at the entrance. "Don't you listen to the news? Haven't you read the warnings and stuff?"

"What news? Do you mean recently? I haven't seen the news recently."

"What do you mean? For years it has been known that cigarettes are bad!"

"Then I should probably stop, huh?"

"Chyeah!?"

"I'm really glad you told me. Thank you. I will quit today!" as he took a final drag off the nearly finished cigarette.

"Then I guess my work is done here," she said, as she walked into the library.

I looked at the guy as she faded from view and we smiled at each other. I gave him a nod as he put another cigarette in his mouth.

"Gotta light?" he asked me.

"Sure," I said, as I walked over to him and loaned him my lighter.

Or Worse: Dead

My youngest son, 9, and daughter, 11, are into the apparently popular web-based cartoon characters called Webkinz. Gift shops sell Webkinz stuffed animals as well.

The premise of Webkinz is not unlike the Tamagotchi electronic keychain pets: you have to care for them and electronically "feed" them and give them attention in order for the characters to thrive and grow.

On our way home from a nephew's birthday party today, my daughter asked me if she could get online when we got home because she hasn't visited her Webkinz character in two days. I said it was fine and expressed some mild interest in on how long she had not been to Webkinz site. She replied, "Oh that's nothing; Ethan hasn't been to his Webkinz for like a week."

"What does that mean?" I asked. "What happens if you go that long?"

"It means the Webkinz is going to be really upset. Or worse: ..." she said. Then, without missing a beat, in her evil, demon-possessed voice, she leaned over and whispered to Ethan, "Dead."

"Tabitha!" I barked.

Her response was a quiet giggle.

Vowel Discrimination and Consonantism

Vowels should be offended. And if they're not, someone should be offended in their behalf. Why is it that certain words -- ones ordinarily considered vulgar or taboo -- are used with the vowels entirely omitted from the word? For example: Sh*t. We've all seen this: A string of characters representing a 4-letter word whose meaning is synonymous with the following:

Cr*p
P**p
D**kie
C*-c*
P**-p**

Given the fact that these words are sometimes considered unacceptable in their standard form, i.e. fully spelled out, what does that say of the vowels that have been omitted? "Crap" is considered an offensive word in certain contexts. How does one improve it? Apparently by omitting the vowel and typing "cr*p."

Why drop the vowel from the group of letters? How does that make the vowel feel to be considered something omissible in order to improve the group? Such a blatant public repudiation of an otherwise important letter seems completely unwarranted, especially considering that some vowels make words all by themselves, without the help of consonants! What's so offensive about the vowel? Why must the vowel be the pariah? Who will speak for the victimized and ostracized vowel? Who will give the marginalized vowel a voice?

I suggest that we henceforth cease from dropping the vowels when we use vulgar or offensive words. From now on, let's drop the *u**i** consonants! That's right, *i** on them. I don't give a **i* about how the consonants feel about it. *e** yeah! Let's hear it for Vowel Power! *e** no! We won't go! *e** no! We won't go!

~fin~