The Mother Of All Hat Heads

It was 4:30 p.m. and time to head to work. I had been wearing a hat all day. As a result, I found myself sporting the quintessentially timeless coif: Hathead. And it was not your standard, run-of-the-mill, gravy-train, garden-variety, meat-and-potatoes, typical, basic, general, everyday kind of hat head, but hat head with a vengeance. A Clint-Eastwood/Charles-Branson sort of vengeance. I had the Mother Of All Hat Heads.

So it was 4:30 p.m. and time to head to work. I had to decide: Do I bother wetting my head down and throwing some gel into the nest that is my hair, or do I just show up at the office like this? It's Monday. It's the afternoon shift. What the heck. There's nothing that makes one feel more alive, and more aware of oneself, than walking around in public, intensely fixated of one's own goofy hairstyle.

To add to this challenge, I decided to leave the hat itself at home. That way, I had no way of covering this tangled, disheveled, multi-directional chaos atop my skull. I would be forced to face my embarrassment and public humiliation without a mask, without a screen, without any recourse with which to hide my hirsute hideosity.

So I've studied how it makes me feel. It's fascinating. Intriguing. Captivating. Mystifying. Enlightening. How am I feeling? I'm feeling vulnerable, waiting for that murmer, that knowing glance between co-workers, that shared giggle in the corner of the office, only to look over and to see someone pointing and secretly communicating into another's ear. I love it. It is invigorating. And in an odd, twisted sort of way, it's empowering: I am Hat Head, Lord of the Tussled Locks, Emperor of the Unkempt Coiffure, Ruler Supreme of the Mussed Mane. The only problem is, I talked about it so much that it ruined any chance of my co-workers murmering to each other, giggling at me from the other side of the office, etc. It's like they wouldn't give me the satisfaction of enjoying the invigoration that would come from public ridicule and humilation.

What's a guy got to do to get himself humilated in public? If the Mother Of All Hat Heads doesn't do it, it looks like I'm going to have to push the Proverbial Envelope.