Hilstonisms

What are Hilstonisms*? Broadly stated, Hilstonisms are words, word juxtapositions, phrases or ideas that I like to think I invented or about which I like to think I have had an original point of view. If you see something below that is not original, let me know and I will happily defer to the originator and remove it.

Word juxtapositions.

• Pivotally pitiful. Pitifully pivotal.
  I haven't found any use for this yet. Give me time. I'll come up with something.
• Jeep is Chrysler.
  This is my contribution to Christianized swearing, like saying, "That's baloney!" instead of "That's bullshit!" or "Oh my Gosh!" instead of "Oh my God!" You get the idea. I've found that if you say "Jeep is Chrysler" with a certain emphasis, it sounds like you're saying "Jesus Christ" as an expletive. But be forewarned: the phrase is phonetically brilliant and it sounds a little too much like actually saying "Jesus Christ" in that way. I know because of the reactions I would get when I've said it, and the number of times I've had to explain, "No, I said 'Jeep' is 'Chrysler,' not at all what it sounded like." So I've stopped saying it.

Invented titles, phrases and words.

Ho Chi Min! I started saying this years ago as a reaction to people saying "Jesus Christ" as an expletive. So whenever I feel the need to fill dead air with emphasis, I say "Ho Chi Min" with the same syllabic cadence as "Jesus Christ." Feel free to use that.

Jiminy H. Christmas. One of my favorite Christianized cuss words/phrases Jiminy Effing Christmas ranks a close second, but requires the utmost discretion.

Lord of the bats. It's just a title that popped into my head that gets me excited. "Hi, how are you? Pleased to meet you. I'm James Hilston, Lord of the bats."

Awholenother. I didn't originate this word, but I'm pretty sure I'm the first one to publicly lobby for its official acceptance into the English language.

Things to say when someone sneezes.

• Would you like a bucket?
• I'll alert the authorities.
• Do you need a mop?
• I'll get the hose.

Things to say when you sneeze in order to pre-empt being blessed by bystanders.

• Satan is trying to kill me.
• Come OUT, foul demon-NUH!
• If you bless me, I will kill you.

*Not to be confused with the religious practice of Hilstonism or The Way of Hilstonism.